i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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