He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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