I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
