i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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