i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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