Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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