My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
