so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
