im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
