I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
