There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
