I will die if light touches me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
