allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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