I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
well you can't waste a boner
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
