Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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