the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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