apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
