Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
