can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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