I faked an abortion last night.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
