cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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