i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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