You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
