Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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