I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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