I could make wine with my vomit
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
