"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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