Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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