Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Quick, to the slutcave!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
