Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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