why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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