in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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