My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
