I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
