you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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