Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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