you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
