I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
