at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
