Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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