All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
