I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
