Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
