I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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