i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
