If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
