i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
