just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
