I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
