i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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