Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
