is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
