did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize