paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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