I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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