I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
