I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
