what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
