apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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