i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
