I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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